What You Hear

Everybody hears things on the street. Some of them might even be true. Like these:

  • There is a man who lives behind a trap door in the sporting goods section of a Wal-Mart in Long Island. If you ask him for a lemon, he will accurately predict your future for you.
  • Planes do not actually fly. It is a very elaborate hoax created because the general public does not understand or trust quantum physics.
  • Stories of elves, fairies and hobgoblins are based on a race of small people who still exist in a labyrinth of caverns underground.
  • Cats can catch ghosts, and eat them. That is how the old story about their having nine lives got started.
  • A mysterious man is often seen observing a spot where an exceptionally tragic car accident will happen. He stands on the sidewalk for hours watching the street, smoking a cigarette and checking his antique pocket watch from time to time. Then a moment after he leaves, cars come crashing into each other and people die.
  • Every single president of the United States has had a glass eye. The same glass eye.
  • Never use ATMs. They record the serial number on the bills they give you and send it to the government. Then they wait until a store deposits that bill and they know where you shop.
  • Don’t eat the food at those greasy burger joints: it’ll suck out all your mojo.
  • The final scores of every year’s Superbowl are part of an ever-changing numerology formula that can start and stop wars.
  • There’s a prison in the mid-west where there are no guards yet the prisoners are too afraid to try and escape.
  • The interstate highway system was actually laid out as a giant magickal glyph to enable the summoning of a demonic legion in case of a Soviet attack.
  • All the Russian immigrants in Alaska will take the state back for Russia at a pre-determined date and time.
  • Germ theory is a lie. Sickness is caused by invisible rays that nobody can explain. They are suspected to be of alien origin.
  • There’s a website that sells magic books — real magic, that really works. The URL changes all the time ’cause they keep getting shut down. Do a search on “Magnum Arcanum” and “John Doe”.
  • Aliens from Proxima Centauri have been living among us now for years, but in the last few months, they’ve all started leaving.
  • Bigfoot has a Social Security Number.
  • Aleister Crowley designed the Susan B. Anthony dollar, and elements of that design have been used in the new dollar coin.
  • If you bury empty coffee canisters end to end around your house, lids on, then you will never see the Northern Lights from your yard, and the IRS will never audit you.
  • The Dodo is still bred in secret by an Amish community. They use its liver to brew an immortality potion.
  • JFK was in fact the Lindbergh baby, abducted by Joe Kennedy who performed a ritual on the baby. JFK gained a power allowing him to tap into the power generated by the fame of his biologic father to fuel his own popularity. The ritual is still performed in the Kennedy family.
  • The U.S. Patent Bureau hosts a special section for occult material, rituals, and mystic artifacts.
  • My ex-wife used to sing at a karaoke club where the spirits of dead musicians were trapped in the karaoke machine. After midnight each Saturday, a few would come out and jam.
  • The Golden Gate Bridge is laced together with yards of scar tissue. It’s the only thing holding California together.
  • There are at least eight insect legs in every bar of chocolate. And it’s some guy’s job to put them in.
  • Holiday Inns are sentient beings, tied in a large collective mind, with their own agenda. The people working in Inns are just pawns. People sleeping in Inns are sometimes warped in subtle ways, sometimes untouched, sometimes just disappear. Maybe it depends on the rooms, maybe not.
  • If you really examine the phone numbers scribbled on the walls of public restrooms, you’ll find the secret mathematical construct of the universe.
  • The banking conspiracy had JFK eliminated because JFK was going to pull U.S. troops out of Vietnam. That would have bankrupted several military-industrial endeavors, including Bell Helicopter, Sikorsky, and General Dynamics.
  • George Washington was a Mason. His monument was dedicated with full Masonic rights, and this is actually detailed in those words in brass at the foot of the Egyptian-style obelisk.
  • Pop radio includes secret instructions for the secret armies that fight for control of the world.
  • Masonic lore features prominently in all aspects of American heraldry.
  • The fate of the world rests upon the shoulders of seven honest and devout ordinary men. If there are ever less than seven, God will destroy the earth.
  • There’s a girl who can sing without moving her lips, and everybody hears a different song when she does it.
  • Cats are the bodily manifestation of angels.
  • The telephone system is alive, and has been ruling us – in a limited fashion – since 1943. The introduction of the Internet has cemented its hold on us.
  • Everyone forgets the other five symbols of the Zodiac.
  • When you’re drunk, reality opens up for you and allows you to fly away. Just remember to take your parachute with you.
  • Seven colors in the rainbow. Seven chakras in the Sanskirt texts. Seven varieties of Barbasol shaving cream, if you count the discontinued Wintergreen gel. Do I have to draw you a picture?

What You Hear

Hush rwelt